Dec 30

Dec 30 Honest, Real, and Unfiltered

Hello. Hi there! Please let me reintroduce myself. I’m Violet, a momma of a beautiful 3-month old (as of today) baby boy. Whew! A lot has happened since we last met, and it definitely wasn’t an easy journey. Don’t mind the photo quality since these are just private photos from my phone.

I want to share my delivery story because, frankly, women (and men) should know the truth (I wish I did). I went in for a regular doctor appointment on Tuesday, September 29th. The doctor and I had already discussed inducing labor, but we hadn’t finalized it yet. On that day, the doctor looked at the size of the baby and since I was 39.5 weeks along, we decided it was time to induce (for my sake, mostly). The baby was pretty large and I was extremely uncomfortable. About 8.5 lbs is what they predicted.

Nickolas at 2.5 months old in his favorite Cookies and Milk outfit; shopcookiesandmilk.com

I was so excited and so nervous at the same time. If anyone knows me, you know I love to plan. So, having a planned delivery date was so ideal for me. I went home, did my hair and packed my makeup (post-delivery photos, of course). I got my bag ready and hubby and I headed to the hospital that evening. We didn’t tell anyone in our families (except one person in each fam incase of an emergency), because we didn’t want them worrying or more importantly, bugging us. I have nothing but amazing things to say about USC Verdugo Hills Hospital and definitely recommend it.

We checked in at about 9pm, got a Covid test and were told to wear a mask the entire time (the second they told me I was negative, I took the mask off). By 2am, I was having contractions. It’s strange, because they say the pain is in your stomach, but mine was completely in my back. I had a massaging, weighted, heat blanket which helped a ton. I already have back issues due to a previous production assistant job (looking at you, Jay Leno) so honestly, I didn’t even realize these were “bad” contractions. Apparently, they were hitting really high on the scale so my nurse suggested the epidural. I kept asking if it was too early for it and she said it was the right time if I planned on getting it… and I 100% did.

I’m terrified of needles. A blood test for me is hell, and from what I read, the epidural needle is huge. Thankfully, I never saw it. It wasn’t horrible, but at one point I jumped so high, it’s a miracle they didn’t stab my spine or something awful. Once it kicked in, I thought this is it… easy breezy from here on out.

Boy, was I wrong. Everything started to happen extremely fast. I was 10 cm very quickly after being induced and by 2pm on September 30, they told me to start pushing. I had hubby start my playlist (Backstreet Boys, duh) and my nurse, Michelle, was a complete saint!! She made the process as enjoyable as possible. My doctor came by around 3pm and I had been pushing for an hour. He mentioned he had a scheduled c-section at 5, so hopefully I’d be done… no pressure.

Three came and went, 4pm…. 5pm…. Still pushing non-stop. The doctor came back and said he rescheduled the c-section (yay!). The nurses kept asking if I needed a break, but I said no… I needed this baby to come out! By 6pm, the doctor brought up the possibility of a c-section. All this pushing and pain, to eventually be cut open? No, thanks. I told him I wanted to keep trying. He gave me 30 more min, and if it didn’t happen, they’d prep for a c-section. It was like I had superhuman strength. My husband even thought I’d eventually give up. Nope.

My nurse said her shift ended at 6:30pm and she really wanted to meet my baby. Ok, Michelle, I got you. The baby’s head was refusing to come out. Finally, the doctor said he could vacuum him out and I said let’s do it. After 4 more attempts with the vacuum, at 6:28pm, Nickolas Leonardo finally decided to make his debut at 8lbs 14 oz, and 22.25 inches long… yep, a big boy! I couldn’t believe he finally came out. Oh, and the epidural had worn off by this point.

Took this photo while I’m being stitched up. Working really hard not to drop the baby.

After all that, it was no surprise that I had torn… badly. Third degree (almost 4th) lacerations.. I will let you look that up on your own. I was so happy he finally came out but as awful as it sounds, I didn’t want to hold my baby. I was in a lot of shock from what just happened, and also, I felt every single stitch. I was in excruciating pain and feared I would drop the baby. The nurses assured me that wouldn’t happen. They finally gave him to me and I held him tighter than anything in my life. Apparently we took a photo, because I have it in my phone. My makeup never left my bag.

The next few hours were a complete blur. I don’t remember much, probably from all of the pain meds. We got moved to another room and I just remember being in so much pain. I don’t think I held the baby more than a couple of times. Hubby stepped right in and handled all diaper changes and feedings. By the way, thank goodness they didn’t allow any visitors in the hospital. I was in absolutely no condition to see anyone or entertain a single conversation with family and I’d choose to do this even if Covid wasn’t around. We eventually FaceTimed everyone and even that was exhausting.

One of my favorite things about this hospital is that they gave us a congratulatory dinner on one of our nights. It was delicious and so appreciated.

I started to feel really badly because I felt I wouldn’t have a bond with the baby. Ladies, don’t ever feel like that. I didn’t change a single diaper until about 3 weeks postpartum. Baby and I have a beautiful bond. I attempted breastfeeding, but it just wasn’t working out. I now pump and supplement with formula. So many women look down on that, but honestly… screw you. My baby is healthy, fed, and happy.

The first few weeks were so hard. I was such an emotional wreck. The tiniest comment would send me to a river of tears. I’m not an emotional person, so this was a really difficult thing to manage.

Starting the second month, I’ve been taking care of baby on my own when my husband is at work (everyone in the family works, so it’s hard to get help). It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but the second he flashes his adorable smile, all the stress completely floats away.

Everyone keeps asking about a 2nd one… I want to slap them. I’m still getting flashbacks of the delivery, so let me get over that first. Also, don’t ever make a comment about a woman’s body postpartum, no matter what your intentions are. I still have 25 lbs to lose and it takes a complete toll on you mentally. I refuse to buy bigger clothes, so let’s see how long I’ll be in sweats and leggings for. I’m still not 100%, but I at least started working out slowly, which has been amazing on my mental health.

Baby is doing so amazing. He started sleeping through the night by 2 months, absolutely loves to eat, loves listening to Motown, and is just a pure bundle of joy. I get it now… I totally get it. Pretzel has been his personal body guard, and they’re, thankfully, getting along great. I was super nervous about that! She stayed at my parents house for a few days and after the baby was born, my mom picked up the baby’s first blanket and beanie so Pretzel could sleep with it and get used to the smell. I think it totally worked. My mom told me Pretzel kept cuddling the blanket and licking the beanie.

I hope this was eye opening to what really happens in a delivery room, or at least, what could happen. Every story I had read or heard was something along the lines of, “I pushed for 20 min and the baby was out!” Well, guess what, that doesn’t always happen. 16 hours of labor, 4.5 hours of non-stop pushing, and yep...